He Walks with Me, and He Talks with Me...

It was the mid 80's, and the Staff and Deacons' wives had been called to a meeting. I already knew what the meeting was about -- my husband, associate pastor at the time, had already filled me in. It was announced that one of the deacons had been caught in an affair with another church member's wife. The church discipline process was being explained to us now.

We were also told that the deacon's wife was choosing to stay with her husband and work through this. As the other wives and I sat there discussing what we would do in that situation, we could only imagine that we would "kill" our husband...and Her!

Now, fast forward a few years to the early 90's. After many months of knowing something was wrong and trying desperately to confirm my suspicians, I went investigating one night and found my husband's truck at the house of one of my very good friends. Before I realized what I was doing, I had jumped out of my car and was frantically beating on the front door of her house, then the back door and threatening to break a window (and who knows what else!). I ran to his truck, got the spare key from his hiding place and grabbed whatever suitable items I could find and started throwing them at her house. When she told me she called the police, I came to my senses enough to get back in my car and somehow drive safely home.

A few years ago, I heard about a dentist who ran over her husband two times and killed him after finding him with another woman. While I don't condone what she did, I understand completely how a person can snap and do something like that in a moment of betrayal by someone you thought loved you and cared about you.

Now before you go judging me too harshly, if you have never been on the betrayed side of an affair, you cannot begin to imagine what it feels like...or what you might do in that situation.

In that moment of truth, I was reduced to worthlessness...like an object someone had become tired of and just thrown in the trash. I felt devastated, foolish, hurt, angry, unloved, deceived and, the worst feelings of all, disrespected and betrayed. It's not that I doubted my husband could ever be tempted, but how could he do this to me?

What was I going to do? I had three young children; how would I support us? What was I going to do?

Over the next week or two, I kept asking God what I was supposed to do. Everytime I would have a conversation with my husband it was him telling me he didn't love me, he never loved me and he wanted a divorce. I felt like everyone I knew was judging me and saying it happened because I wasn't a good wife. It was so humiliating because we were Christians; my husband had been on staff at a church up until a few months before when he had resigned.

I kept crying out to God about what my husband had done to me and reminding Him of all the details of his sin. During one of my pity parties with God, I remember feeling like He knocked me flat on my back, got very close to my face and pointed His finger at me and said, "I don't care right now what he has done. I will deal with him. But, there's a few things I want to do in your life. You need to focus on yourself and what I want to do in your life and let me deal with your husband."

Needless to say, I was speechless and completely humbled and immediately ceased my ranting and raving about what my husband had done to me. Now this may seem harsh for your view of God, but I guess God knew what He had to do with me to get my attention. He knew what was coming in my life later and knew I would need to see the bigger picture in my circumstances.

Although I knew that I didn't deserve what had happened, I also knew that God was right and there were things in my life that I needed to work on. I didn't know what else to do, so I started praying and fasting. I had read a book a few years before by Charles Stanley called Handle with Prayer. I didn't know much else, but I knew there was power in praying.

After this humbling moment with God, I was feeling very worthless and abandoned. I was in my car alone one night just sobbing and crying out to God for Him to please help me and show me what I needed to do -- i.e. divorce? For about 2-3 seconds, it was as if God was physically in the flesh sitting right next to me enveloping me with His presence. Words can't even describe what His presence felt like. It was the most awesome, warm, loving feeling I have ever experienced. I told God right then that if the only way I could have had those few seconds with Him was to have gone through all of this pain, it was worth it. He also knew I needed to know that He loved me and cared about me.

I think I fasted for about a week to ten days -- I honestly can't remember because of the emotional state I was in. During this time of fasting and praying, though, God clearly showed me what I was to do. I was to wait for my husband. My response: "What, You want me to wait for my husband? That would mean forgiving him and letting him off the hook for all that he's done to me. I don't think so. Besides, I have Biblical grounds for divorce. That's not fair; he gets away with what he did. What about my hurt? I can't do that."

I thought I had made my point and convinced God that He needed to change His plan, and then He reminded me of His Word: "If you don't forgive others, then Your Father in heaven will not forgive you." Once again, I was completely speechless and humbled because I knew all my sins, and I desperately needed God's forgiveness. There was no arguing it. I simply could not live without God's forgiveness.

There was one problem, though. "God, You know how I am. How will I ever be able to feel loved by my husband again? How will I be able to love him and not keep bringing up what he did?"

Not too long after dropping the "wait for your husband" bomb on me, God showed me that I was also to forgive Her. My reponse: "Now, wait just a minute, God. You have got to be kidding. There is no way I am going to forgive her. Do You know how stupid and foolish that will make me look? People already think I'm crazy for waiting for my husband and forgiving him. Don't You care about my feelings and how I've been hurt? I can't believe You would ask me to do this." Then, like He always does, He got me to start thinking about some things: What if I were the one who had cheated on my husband. How would I be feeling right now? "Well, I would probably be crying out to You begging for forgiveness and mercy knowing though that I don't deserve it." He also reminded me that, not only is He my Heavenly Father, but He is theirs, too. Whoa! I almost couldn't comprehend these thoughts. He was taking me to places I had never even considered...and really didn't want to consider. But, how could I argue with Him about any of this? It came down to the fact that I had a choice to make: I could do what I thought made sense or I could do what God was asking me to do.

As I would soon find out, forgiveness is a daily, moment-by-moment process. It's a decision I had to make numerous times throughout each day. I don't want to give the impression that choosing to forgive and love these two people was an easy thing to do -- even if it was God's will for me. It was not! It is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do in my life. If I hadn't known that God had clearly shown me it was His will, I would have quit the first day.

Because I was well aware of my human tendencies, I began praying every day that God would supernaturally fill my heart with unconditional love and forgiveness for my husband -- every single day and night I prayed that prayer. I also prayed for Her and Her family every day...although in the beginning it was very difficult to get the words out. I discovered, though, that it's hard to hate someone when you're praying for them.

God had shown me early on that this whole situation was a spiritual battle. My husband had been on staff at a church; Her husband had been called into ministry -- satan knew alot of people would be affected by this sin. Satan is always on the prowl for influential people he can take down. To me, the biggest tragedy in all of this was the damage done to God's reputation. I began praying like I have never prayed before for both of them to repent and turn back to God and for God to somehow get glory from all of this.

I also didn't want all of this to hurt my children's view of God in any way. So, I prayed fervently day and night for God to "cause all of this that had happened to work together for good in my children's lives as well as my life and my husband's life", that my children would not be negatively affected by this in any way and that we would all be drawn closer to God through it.

Every time I had a conversation with my husband, he would continue to tell me he didn't love me and wanted a divorce, and I would say, "Well, I still love you, and God has told me to wait for you." Then, I would hang up the phone and cry out to God for strength to hang on to His Word and not give up.

Almost a year later, my husband called one day to arrange to pick up the kids. Out of the clear blue, he asked if I wanted to come to lunch with him and the kids. I almost fell over...where was this coming from...he was being nice to me. That day began our journey to reconciliation. I asked him a few months later what had changed his heart. He told me it was because, after all that he had done to me and the way he had treated me, I still loved him. Wow! That was God, not me.

God kept His Word, and He faithfully answered my prayers...although not always the way I thought they needed to be answered at the time. The amazing way He revealed Himself to me and tenderly cared for every detail of my life is worth all of the heartache I had to endure.

Surprisingly, when God restored my marriage, I felt more loved by my husband than I had ever felt before, and our relationship was much better than it had ever been. Even more amazing to me is that my children came through the whole ordeal seemingly unaffected by the separation. I still stand in awe of what God did.

His real presence with me in the car that night was just the beginning of how He would prove to be ever present with me every step of the way. He showed me that whatever trial He allows in my life, it's not meant to devastate and destroy me but to run me to Him so I can know Him on a deeper level. I wouldn't want to travel that road again, but I also wouldn't trade what I learned about my Heavenly Father for anything.

"He walks with me, and He talks with me,
and He tells me I am His own.
And the joy we share as we tarry there
none other has ever known."