Just to be with you, I'll do Anything...

On the way to work this morning listening to KSBJ on the radio, the DJ announced that it is Singles' Week. Wow, I had no idea that an entire week had been set aside to spotlight the "Single"! I'm single, so I was feeling pretty special. Then, I listened to several callers talking about their life as a single and how everyone is always pressuring them with questions as to when they are going to get married. I was quickly brought back to the reality of being a single person in a very "couple"-geared society. One of the DJ's made a very good comment: "If you can't be happy as a single, chances are you're probably not going to be happy when you get married."

All this talk about single life reminded me of my current state of singleness. I have been a "single" now for 7 1/2 years. When my husband first died, I could not even imagine myself being with another man...let alone even going on a date with one! I remember Kyle asking me at my husband's viewing if I was going to get married again. I just looked at him in horror thinking, "We haven't even got him buried yet!!!" Five and a half years later, just a few months before Kyle died, he told me he was glad I had not remarried because it would have made him very upset. Brittany and Morgan had expressed, too, how upsetting it would have been to them if I would have started dating early on.

It's really funny that no one else ever asked me about dating or remarrying until that magical 2 year mark. It was like people had been waiting patiently and now it was the acceptable time that they could ask. At that point, I think I still couldn't let myself go there. I still thought of myself as being married. It's not that the thought never entered my mind -- I mean, I am human and it does get lonely and hard and it would be nice just to have someone beside me -- I just couldn't entertain it at that time. Besides, being an "only" parent is time-consuming. I wondered where I would fit a "boyfriend" into my day. It took all of my energy to keep myself together and healthy (spiritually and emotionally) for my children.

Immediately after Kyle died, I could feel myself yearning for a companion and my mind being consumed with those thoughts. Not that if my husband were still here when Kyle died that it would have hurt any less, but at least he would have been there to just hold me when the pain was so unbearable I didn't think I would be able to take another breath. I had enough presence of mind to realize that this desire was so strong because I was seeking something to ease my pain. Having a boyfriend or companion would at least take my mind off the reality of my life.

At a time when I questioned everything I knew to be true about God and wondered Who He really was and if Who He said He was in His Word was true, God began to do a miraculous thing inside of me.

I felt like a high school girl so longing for someone (of the opposite sex!) to like me, to be thinking about me and desiring to just be with me. As thoughts like these would try to consume my mind, I would pray and ask God to help me remember His promise that He is all I need and that all my needs are met in Him. It seemed I was praying this prayer repeatedly throughout the day and night. I would hear a song like, "Just to be with you I'd do anything...." and it was like God was singing that directly to me. Wow! At first, I couldn't even let my mind wrap around that thought for me. I started reading a book called "The Furious Longing of God". It referenced a verse in Song of Solomon: "I am My Beloved's and His desire is for me." It was like God was giving me answers to the specific words I was feeling. I would be having a low moment just wondering what it would be like to know that someone was thinking about me. God would be right there whispering in my ear reminding me that He is always thinking about me.

An amazing thing began to happen inside of me. I felt content. Even though I was single, my husband was not here to grow old with or participate in my daughters' weddings with me, etc., etc., God was right beside me. And the most wonderful thing of all was that His desire is for me, He is always thinking about me and He is my Constant Companion. Although it would be nice to have someone (in the flesh), I'll be OK if it doesn't happen because I know that God will always be there to fill that void in my life.

Whatever state of life God decides to place me in, He has a reason. Instead of trying desperately to get to a more favorable place (so I think), I need to embrace where I am and seek God and all that He has for me in that place. If God leaves me in this state of singleness for the remainder of my days, it's OK because I can rest knowing that is His perfect place for me. But, if He chooses to place a Godly man in my life, then I just have to believe that the relationship will be all the better because I won't be depending on that man to meet my needs. Jesus has already done that.

Just to be with me, He'll do anything! Wow!