He Walks with Me, and He Talks with Me...

It was the mid 80's, and the Staff and Deacons' wives had been called to a meeting. I already knew what the meeting was about -- my husband, associate pastor at the time, had already filled me in. It was announced that one of the deacons had been caught in an affair with another church member's wife. The church discipline process was being explained to us now.

We were also told that the deacon's wife was choosing to stay with her husband and work through this. As the other wives and I sat there discussing what we would do in that situation, we could only imagine that we would "kill" our husband...and Her!

Now, fast forward a few years to the early 90's. After many months of knowing something was wrong and trying desperately to confirm my suspicians, I went investigating one night and found my husband's truck at the house of one of my very good friends. Before I realized what I was doing, I had jumped out of my car and was frantically beating on the front door of her house, then the back door and threatening to break a window (and who knows what else!). I ran to his truck, got the spare key from his hiding place and grabbed whatever suitable items I could find and started throwing them at her house. When she told me she called the police, I came to my senses enough to get back in my car and somehow drive safely home.

A few years ago, I heard about a dentist who ran over her husband two times and killed him after finding him with another woman. While I don't condone what she did, I understand completely how a person can snap and do something like that in a moment of betrayal by someone you thought loved you and cared about you.

Now before you go judging me too harshly, if you have never been on the betrayed side of an affair, you cannot begin to imagine what it feels like...or what you might do in that situation.

In that moment of truth, I was reduced to worthlessness...like an object someone had become tired of and just thrown in the trash. I felt devastated, foolish, hurt, angry, unloved, deceived and, the worst feelings of all, disrespected and betrayed. It's not that I doubted my husband could ever be tempted, but how could he do this to me?

What was I going to do? I had three young children; how would I support us? What was I going to do?

Over the next week or two, I kept asking God what I was supposed to do. Everytime I would have a conversation with my husband it was him telling me he didn't love me, he never loved me and he wanted a divorce. I felt like everyone I knew was judging me and saying it happened because I wasn't a good wife. It was so humiliating because we were Christians; my husband had been on staff at a church up until a few months before when he had resigned.

I kept crying out to God about what my husband had done to me and reminding Him of all the details of his sin. During one of my pity parties with God, I remember feeling like He knocked me flat on my back, got very close to my face and pointed His finger at me and said, "I don't care right now what he has done. I will deal with him. But, there's a few things I want to do in your life. You need to focus on yourself and what I want to do in your life and let me deal with your husband."

Needless to say, I was speechless and completely humbled and immediately ceased my ranting and raving about what my husband had done to me. Now this may seem harsh for your view of God, but I guess God knew what He had to do with me to get my attention. He knew what was coming in my life later and knew I would need to see the bigger picture in my circumstances.

Although I knew that I didn't deserve what had happened, I also knew that God was right and there were things in my life that I needed to work on. I didn't know what else to do, so I started praying and fasting. I had read a book a few years before by Charles Stanley called Handle with Prayer. I didn't know much else, but I knew there was power in praying.

After this humbling moment with God, I was feeling very worthless and abandoned. I was in my car alone one night just sobbing and crying out to God for Him to please help me and show me what I needed to do -- i.e. divorce? For about 2-3 seconds, it was as if God was physically in the flesh sitting right next to me enveloping me with His presence. Words can't even describe what His presence felt like. It was the most awesome, warm, loving feeling I have ever experienced. I told God right then that if the only way I could have had those few seconds with Him was to have gone through all of this pain, it was worth it. He also knew I needed to know that He loved me and cared about me.

I think I fasted for about a week to ten days -- I honestly can't remember because of the emotional state I was in. During this time of fasting and praying, though, God clearly showed me what I was to do. I was to wait for my husband. My response: "What, You want me to wait for my husband? That would mean forgiving him and letting him off the hook for all that he's done to me. I don't think so. Besides, I have Biblical grounds for divorce. That's not fair; he gets away with what he did. What about my hurt? I can't do that."

I thought I had made my point and convinced God that He needed to change His plan, and then He reminded me of His Word: "If you don't forgive others, then Your Father in heaven will not forgive you." Once again, I was completely speechless and humbled because I knew all my sins, and I desperately needed God's forgiveness. There was no arguing it. I simply could not live without God's forgiveness.

There was one problem, though. "God, You know how I am. How will I ever be able to feel loved by my husband again? How will I be able to love him and not keep bringing up what he did?"

Not too long after dropping the "wait for your husband" bomb on me, God showed me that I was also to forgive Her. My reponse: "Now, wait just a minute, God. You have got to be kidding. There is no way I am going to forgive her. Do You know how stupid and foolish that will make me look? People already think I'm crazy for waiting for my husband and forgiving him. Don't You care about my feelings and how I've been hurt? I can't believe You would ask me to do this." Then, like He always does, He got me to start thinking about some things: What if I were the one who had cheated on my husband. How would I be feeling right now? "Well, I would probably be crying out to You begging for forgiveness and mercy knowing though that I don't deserve it." He also reminded me that, not only is He my Heavenly Father, but He is theirs, too. Whoa! I almost couldn't comprehend these thoughts. He was taking me to places I had never even considered...and really didn't want to consider. But, how could I argue with Him about any of this? It came down to the fact that I had a choice to make: I could do what I thought made sense or I could do what God was asking me to do.

As I would soon find out, forgiveness is a daily, moment-by-moment process. It's a decision I had to make numerous times throughout each day. I don't want to give the impression that choosing to forgive and love these two people was an easy thing to do -- even if it was God's will for me. It was not! It is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do in my life. If I hadn't known that God had clearly shown me it was His will, I would have quit the first day.

Because I was well aware of my human tendencies, I began praying every day that God would supernaturally fill my heart with unconditional love and forgiveness for my husband -- every single day and night I prayed that prayer. I also prayed for Her and Her family every day...although in the beginning it was very difficult to get the words out. I discovered, though, that it's hard to hate someone when you're praying for them.

God had shown me early on that this whole situation was a spiritual battle. My husband had been on staff at a church; Her husband had been called into ministry -- satan knew alot of people would be affected by this sin. Satan is always on the prowl for influential people he can take down. To me, the biggest tragedy in all of this was the damage done to God's reputation. I began praying like I have never prayed before for both of them to repent and turn back to God and for God to somehow get glory from all of this.

I also didn't want all of this to hurt my children's view of God in any way. So, I prayed fervently day and night for God to "cause all of this that had happened to work together for good in my children's lives as well as my life and my husband's life", that my children would not be negatively affected by this in any way and that we would all be drawn closer to God through it.

Every time I had a conversation with my husband, he would continue to tell me he didn't love me and wanted a divorce, and I would say, "Well, I still love you, and God has told me to wait for you." Then, I would hang up the phone and cry out to God for strength to hang on to His Word and not give up.

Almost a year later, my husband called one day to arrange to pick up the kids. Out of the clear blue, he asked if I wanted to come to lunch with him and the kids. I almost fell over...where was this coming from...he was being nice to me. That day began our journey to reconciliation. I asked him a few months later what had changed his heart. He told me it was because, after all that he had done to me and the way he had treated me, I still loved him. Wow! That was God, not me.

God kept His Word, and He faithfully answered my prayers...although not always the way I thought they needed to be answered at the time. The amazing way He revealed Himself to me and tenderly cared for every detail of my life is worth all of the heartache I had to endure.

Surprisingly, when God restored my marriage, I felt more loved by my husband than I had ever felt before, and our relationship was much better than it had ever been. Even more amazing to me is that my children came through the whole ordeal seemingly unaffected by the separation. I still stand in awe of what God did.

His real presence with me in the car that night was just the beginning of how He would prove to be ever present with me every step of the way. He showed me that whatever trial He allows in my life, it's not meant to devastate and destroy me but to run me to Him so I can know Him on a deeper level. I wouldn't want to travel that road again, but I also wouldn't trade what I learned about my Heavenly Father for anything.

"He walks with me, and He talks with me,
and He tells me I am His own.
And the joy we share as we tarry there
none other has ever known."

You will Tread on Serpents and Scorpions

Last April, I was standing on the porch in the courtyard area of my backyard watering my plants. It was almost dark, so I couldn’t see very well. One of my purposes for being back there just before dusk was to try to find the culprit responsible for the loud croaking keeping me awake every night. I assumed it was a frog – don’t frogs croak? And because of the intense volume of the croaking, I had visions of finding a mammoth size bull frog who had decided to take up residence in my little pond. But, I also wondered if maybe it was some other type of critter?

As I stood there shooting the water on the bushes watching intently for any type of critter, I gasped in fear as I saw the very large, light slimy grey tail end of something slither in between the rocks and into the bushes. I was frozen with fear. I couldn’t move. When I regained my composure, I viciously squirted my hose toward that area to try to get a better glimpse of what it was. Could this be the thing making all the noise? I didn’t want to admit, though, that it looked like a big snake. I tried to talk myself out of the fact that it probably was a snake and not some other type of animal. I was so upset because, although I know there are snakes around my yard (my house backs up to the woods), I like to live in a fantasy world that none are around me. I just cannot knowingly cohabitate with snakes. And now, with my very own eyes, I had seen firsthand that there is for sure one in my bushes. The reason for all of this distress is because I have to mow my yard every week. I can’t just not mow the courtyard area. The grass would grow very high and thick, and then who knows what would come to live there!

As thoughts began to flood my mind with the idea that I better flee this area for fear the big snake may come out and try to get me, I took one last glance at the pond. Much to my surprise, there was a frog swimming around. My visions of what size he might be were met with disappointment as I glared at this puny, little frog. How could this little thing make so much noise! So, I reasoned with myself that surely this snake isn’t poisonous and aggressive because the little frog is still alive!

I fled the courtyard and ran back to the safety of the driveway and garage. Visions of snakes were consuming my mind. I was reminded of the big black snake I had found at the entrance of my garage last summer (I stood frozen in fear screaming until Morgan and Brittany came to the door and were ordered to call Jesse, a good friend who lives close by, to please come kill it!). All I could think about was how I was going to mow the yard on Sunday with that snake there.

Well, Sunday came. I convinced myself that I had to be a big girl and stop being afraid. I also remembered the verse in the Bible that says “you will tread on serpents and scorpions”. I’m sure I was taking that verse totally out of context (isn’t that what we tend to do – find a verse and make it fit our situation?), but I quoted it from the time I started mowing until I was safely back on the driveway. I also added numerous prayers for God to please keep the snake out of my sight…just don’t let me see it!

I have windows in my den that surround the pond and bush area and allow me to see behind the bushes. So, every morning before work and every evening when I got home, I would comb the area looking for the snake. No sign of him anywhere. One day a couple of weeks later, though, as I was making my routine site check, much to my horror again there was another snake. This one was black. I saw him as he slithered out of the pond and into the bushes. “What is going on? Now, I have two snakes that I have to cohabitate with! No, this can’t be happening!” And on and on I went. How was I going to mow my yard now with two snakes to deal with? I was beside myself. Brittany and Morgan were telling me I didn’t need to mow the yard, I should just hire someone.

Over the next couple of months, I saw three more snakes…all different from the first two. I was still claiming my special Bible verse and trusting God to keep the snakes away each week when I mowed. This was an extreme mental challenge because this whole snake thing was completely gripping me with fear. I started thinking about why I hate snakes so much. Well, there’s the obvious – they’re sneaky, slimy and poisonous and what if they bite me! But, I also associate snakes with satan – you know, the whole Garden of Eden thing? Let’s see, sneaky, poisonous, bites you – all those descriptions fit. I thought about how these snakes are so much like satan. As I would see a new snake who had decided to take up residence in my pond, it would anger me. “Excuse me, NO, you cannot live here. I did not invite you. You are not welcome here! Please leave now!” Isn’t that what satan does? He just slithers in unnoticed and before you know it he has taken up residence like he owns the place or us and then refuses to leave without a fight! Satan also tries to stifle me with fear trying with all His might to get me to forget how powerful God is. His other tactic is to keep my mind so consumed with anything that I get distracted from God and His Word.

One Sunday morning in July, I woke up and went straight to the window for the daily scan. Now, you have to understand that when you’re looking for a snake, you can’t just do a quick glance. No, you must stare intently for several seconds at a particular area looking for the slightest movement because they disguise themselves to blend in with the rocks and grass. I scanned the rocks near the bushes not noticing anything until I saw a slight movement. There before me was a new snake sticking his neck out I guess to see if the coast was clear for him to come out! This one had bright yellow stripes – bright yellow stripes, does that mean very, very poisonous? I think I had tears at this point. I didn’t know what to do, so I ran to my computer and typed in “snakes”. I was taken to a website that had an exact picture of my new pond resident. Thankfully, this one was not poisonous! I was fairly confident that the snakes I had seen up to that point probably were not poisonous either. But, so what!!!! A snake is a snake, and the only good snake is a dead snake! It just happened that the website I went to was for a company right here in Houston who will come out to your house (or wherever) and kill your snakes for you. Wow!!! I wondered how much that would cost me. Friends and family began offering suggestions for me to call the county – apparently, they have to come out and will do it for free; or to call an exterminator – well, my exterminator laughed at me when I asked about something for snakes!

The following Sunday I came home from church as usual and prepared to mow my yard…snakes and all. Repeat after me, “You will tread on serpents and scorpions.” I had just finished mowing the yard and was now weed eating. I did it in that order so the noise of the mower would hopefully scare them away. I had just come out of the courtyard and was weed eating up against the house. Of course, I was looking down at the area I was cutting, and all of a sudden a snake was at my feet! And, it was not one I had seen before…a new one!!! I screamed (no one came to my rescue!) and then started frantically weed eating him. Can you believe that all the weed eater did was flop the snake back and forth, here and there? I had visions of chopping him into a million little pieces with snake blood hitting all over me! Then, I had a thought, "Is the blood of the snake poisonous?". I couldn’t worry about that. I was trying desperately to mutilate this little snake, but to no avail. I finally stopped for a few seconds, and he didn’t move. One more blast just to make sure. I assumed he was unconscious, so I ran as fast as I could to the garage to fetch my shovel so I could finish the job. I feverishly tried with all my might to chop him into as many pieces as I could until I was certain he was dead. He was suffering for all the snakes who had been tormenting me! Finally, the job was done. I scooped up all the pieces and threw all of him into the trash can.

Well, that was it. I was never mowing my yard again. I went inside and cried my eyes out. But, I did remember to thank God for protecting me…that was part of all the crying. Allowing me to literally tread on a snake was an added bonus! As I think about it now, that was the verse I was claiming. What did I expect?

I started thinking about how much energy I was spending on looking for snakes and thinking about snakes. I wondered what my life would be like if I had a ritual every morning and evening of intently combing my life for signs of a "snake".

I found out one of the youth at church was mowing yards, so I hired him to mow mine until further notice! (I did tell him about the snakes, though. He laughed and wasn’t the least bit bothered by it. Really, not even a little?) He mowed my yard a couple of times, and then I started thinking about how I shouldn’t be paying for someone to do my yard just because I’m too scared. I really started feeling like I was letting these snakes and the fear of them defeat me. I knew God’s Word and how many times over the years He had shown me that I can’t live my life in fear. I have to trust Him to take care of me. Well, something happened and my hired escape could not mow my yard anymore. It took me several days to finally muster up the courage to mow because Mr. Yellow Stripes had decided to stay for good. As I was once again looking out my window one morning, preparing myself for the coming Sunday when I was going to have to mow, I noticed another new resident. This one was brown with diamond markings on him. Now, this one just really pissed me off (excuse the expression!). He was basking on MY rocks like he owned the place. Then, he decided to go for a leisurely swim and take a few laps around the pond. After that, he just slithered his way back up onto the rock that he had chosen for his new abode. By this time, watching all of this, I was furious. “Who does he think he is? This is MY pond. I didn’t invite you!”

Well, Sunday came, and I mowed and weed eated the yard with no snake sightings while I was out there. Then, the next week, it was a little easier. My ritual morning and evening scans of the pond are now happening less frequently. I have noticed that the last few times I’ve looked, it appears that Mr. Yellow Stripes, my longest resident, has decided to move on to a new home…unless he (and all of them) are just hiding where I can’t see them. No, I will not go there.

I’m not sure why I’ve had this whole experience, but it has definitely made me more aware of how satan tries to work in my life. I am trying to be more conscious about unwanted thoughts, attitudes and behaviors that are constantly trying to slither in unnoticed and take up residence in my pond! It has also shown me how easily things can consume my mind and grip me with fear which is energy I need to be spending on God and His Word. Satan has to be fought. I have to demand that he flee from my pond knowing that God has given me what I need to tread on him!

For now, the pond seems to be snake free…we’ll see how long that lasts…probably about as long as I can keep my life completely “snake” free!!!

Just to be with you, I'll do Anything...

On the way to work this morning listening to KSBJ on the radio, the DJ announced that it is Singles' Week. Wow, I had no idea that an entire week had been set aside to spotlight the "Single"! I'm single, so I was feeling pretty special. Then, I listened to several callers talking about their life as a single and how everyone is always pressuring them with questions as to when they are going to get married. I was quickly brought back to the reality of being a single person in a very "couple"-geared society. One of the DJ's made a very good comment: "If you can't be happy as a single, chances are you're probably not going to be happy when you get married."

All this talk about single life reminded me of my current state of singleness. I have been a "single" now for 7 1/2 years. When my husband first died, I could not even imagine myself being with another man...let alone even going on a date with one! I remember Kyle asking me at my husband's viewing if I was going to get married again. I just looked at him in horror thinking, "We haven't even got him buried yet!!!" Five and a half years later, just a few months before Kyle died, he told me he was glad I had not remarried because it would have made him very upset. Brittany and Morgan had expressed, too, how upsetting it would have been to them if I would have started dating early on.

It's really funny that no one else ever asked me about dating or remarrying until that magical 2 year mark. It was like people had been waiting patiently and now it was the acceptable time that they could ask. At that point, I think I still couldn't let myself go there. I still thought of myself as being married. It's not that the thought never entered my mind -- I mean, I am human and it does get lonely and hard and it would be nice just to have someone beside me -- I just couldn't entertain it at that time. Besides, being an "only" parent is time-consuming. I wondered where I would fit a "boyfriend" into my day. It took all of my energy to keep myself together and healthy (spiritually and emotionally) for my children.

Immediately after Kyle died, I could feel myself yearning for a companion and my mind being consumed with those thoughts. Not that if my husband were still here when Kyle died that it would have hurt any less, but at least he would have been there to just hold me when the pain was so unbearable I didn't think I would be able to take another breath. I had enough presence of mind to realize that this desire was so strong because I was seeking something to ease my pain. Having a boyfriend or companion would at least take my mind off the reality of my life.

At a time when I questioned everything I knew to be true about God and wondered Who He really was and if Who He said He was in His Word was true, God began to do a miraculous thing inside of me.

I felt like a high school girl so longing for someone (of the opposite sex!) to like me, to be thinking about me and desiring to just be with me. As thoughts like these would try to consume my mind, I would pray and ask God to help me remember His promise that He is all I need and that all my needs are met in Him. It seemed I was praying this prayer repeatedly throughout the day and night. I would hear a song like, "Just to be with you I'd do anything...." and it was like God was singing that directly to me. Wow! At first, I couldn't even let my mind wrap around that thought for me. I started reading a book called "The Furious Longing of God". It referenced a verse in Song of Solomon: "I am My Beloved's and His desire is for me." It was like God was giving me answers to the specific words I was feeling. I would be having a low moment just wondering what it would be like to know that someone was thinking about me. God would be right there whispering in my ear reminding me that He is always thinking about me.

An amazing thing began to happen inside of me. I felt content. Even though I was single, my husband was not here to grow old with or participate in my daughters' weddings with me, etc., etc., God was right beside me. And the most wonderful thing of all was that His desire is for me, He is always thinking about me and He is my Constant Companion. Although it would be nice to have someone (in the flesh), I'll be OK if it doesn't happen because I know that God will always be there to fill that void in my life.

Whatever state of life God decides to place me in, He has a reason. Instead of trying desperately to get to a more favorable place (so I think), I need to embrace where I am and seek God and all that He has for me in that place. If God leaves me in this state of singleness for the remainder of my days, it's OK because I can rest knowing that is His perfect place for me. But, if He chooses to place a Godly man in my life, then I just have to believe that the relationship will be all the better because I won't be depending on that man to meet my needs. Jesus has already done that.

Just to be with me, He'll do anything! Wow!

I am Forgiven and Free

Oh God, as I sit here thinking about my son and wanting so badly for him to be here, the enemy begins reminding me of so many things I did wrong or should have done. I can hardly bear the guilt and wonder how You can forgive me ... I don't deserve forgiveness. At just the moment I feel I will be crushed under the weight of guilt, You gently speak to me and remind me that "if I confess my sins, You are faithful and just to forgive me". As if that were not enough, You want me to forgive myself, and You remind me that "there's no condemnation for me who is in Christ Jesus". This is too wonderful for me to comprehend! Immediately, I feel a freedom inside and strength to make it through to the next moment.

"Your blood commands my guilt to leave...I am forgiven and free."